Ugh....

"Don't even know what we're fighting for.........Why does love always feel like a battlefield?" That's my theme quote for the past.... God knows how long!! I've turned into a totally different person then what everyone has always seen me as! Even my own family doesn't even know me anymore! I'm sick of hiding behind a person that I'm just not anymore! I don't know what happened, and I don't know when it happened, and I don't know why it happened but I can feel that I've changed and it wasn't intentional! Stress has just taken over, and I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like smiling, I don't feel like going to work... I don't feel like cuddling, I don't feel like typing right now, I don't feel like even going on a drive (which is what I normally do when I feel like this) I just don't feel like doing anything! I hardly talk to my family anymore, I don't talk to my friends at all, I can hardly talk to Brenden anymore without fighting with him! And I have no idea why? I don't know what to do to fix it? I acted like this when I was unemployed and looking for a job but I figured that getting a job would help me out and get my mind off of everything that has been going on but it didn't! It didn't change a thing! I don't want this to keep happening to me though! I'm not whining about it, I'm just scared of the person that I'm becoming! I've never been bitch, I've never said the things that I've said to my family.... I've never wanted to not want to cuddle with the person that I love so much and so dearly! I don't know what's going on! No I'm not depressed, I just don't know what I am right now! I'm not gonna go kill myself, or take off and disappear, I just want to know, or want someone help me to become the person that I once was! My family hates me, my friends hate me, Brenden.... I don't know what he feels towards me right now, but the majority of the time that I'm with him I'm arguing with him and fighting with him. And it's always over the stupidest things! That don't even make sense! I thought that living on our own and having our own place was going to be better for him and I and make us stronger, but I didn't realize it was going to be so expensive, and I didn't realize that the stress would make it so that even though we are on our own, I'm still not happy! Things just haven't worked out the way that I pictured them working out with him and I and I regret so many things that I have done and said, and I just want things to start working out for us! He thinks that I don't care that he has been working his ass off at work, and he thinks that I don't care anymore but I honestly do care! I just worry to much I guess about not making ends meet and not being able to afford the things that we have, and it causes us to argue over it! I never meant to hurt him and I never meant to treat him the way that I have, and I wish so much that things could just go back to the way they used to be with us! But lately I've been screwing everything up, and it always seems impossible to get back to that point. I know I can't turn back time and make everything go away, and I'm not trying to make it that way! I understand that every lesson taught is a lesson learned, and I'm learning! I'm just not learning the right way! I'm taking the hard way in everything that I do....... And it's not helping! It's not helping my mood, it's not helping my relationship with my family, it's not helping my relationship and my friendship with Brenden, it's not helping me accomplish the tasks that I need to fulfill! It's not helping anything! And I don't know how to fix it! I've tried telling Brenden and others how I feel and how my mood is right now and it's just so hard to explain that I just make everyone even more upset because I can't explain it the right way! I'm just some crazy person that can't figure out what mood she wants to be in that day! I don't know what to do anymore! I've tried..... Everything! Things just seem like they're never going to work out! One day is a good day and the next day is horrible and it's a never ending pattern that I go through! I understand that things don't always work out the way that you want them to, and I don't expect them to! But lately nothing has been working out! I look forward to the days that I can sleep in so that I can just lay in bed and not screw anyone's day up because of the things that I do or say! And I don't even mean to! I freaked out because we can't afford gas in our vehicles until payday and I freaked out on Brenden. It's not even his fault and I freaked out! I made it into a huge ordeal that didn't even need to be fought over, and look at where it got me! Him laying in bed by himself right now, and me writing this pointless and never ending blog! Something that others are going to read, and think the same of me because they all think I'm whining about the way my life is turning out! I look at others that I know and things are going perfectly for them! They're in their own house, or they just got a promotion at work, or a raise, or getting married, or having a baby... And everyone is moving on! And I'm at a point in my life where I don't know what the next day is going to bring, or the next hour or minute! I don't know..... I've tried to talking to people that I usually turn to but it just seems like no one will ever be able to understand! I'm sorry to everyone that I've ever hurt, especially Brenden and my family and I'm sorry that I can't make things go together in the blink of an eye! But everyone needs to understand that I'm trying my hardest too, and that I'm trying and everything in my power to make myself feel better so that others around me don't have to deal with me! I don't want to be around people because I feel like I drag everyone down with me! I know that I drag Brenden down with me, and I apologize for that! I try not to, and I try to cool myself off before I say something that I shouldn't! And sometimes I can stop myself, but other's it just doesn't work out that way! Who ever reads this just know that I'm not depressed and I'm not whining about what's going on! I'm just at a point in my life where I feel like everything is falling apart! I know everyone has those moments and it's going to happen to everyone! Well... My time is now and I'm trying to figure life out! Step by step, and lately it's been hard and I know that I can get through it, I just need those there for me, that I turn to! And right now, it feels like they don't want to be there for me because of the way that I have treated them! I'm sorry to everyone. Just understand that I love everyone of you, and that I'm trying my hardest to understand what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it! And most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing I just want everyone to know that I'm trying my hardest and it may not seem like enough but it's all that I've got right now so if you could just bear with me, I promise I will try harder and I promise that things will get better! I just need to figure life out first, and finish learning my lessons, before I can start mending other problems with the people that I have hurt! I don't know where to start, or how to do it, but eventually I will find out and I will try my hardest to fix all the damage that I have done! As for now, just know that I love you all and that I'm sorry!!!!