Bored.... Alone.... Tired

Brenden's in Wyoming for work and I'm sitting at home watching Rumor Has It being bored! Second night in a row without him and I miss him like crazie! I missed him when I dropped him off yesterday morning! So used to him being next to me when I sleep, that when I don't have him next to me..... It's hard to sleep! I was so exhausted at work today because I hardly slept last night. Not to mention that the Miss Molly decided she would take up his side of the bed and kick me all night everytime she stretched! And...... I woke up to her whining and kicking in her sleep! Wonderful night.... Lets see if we can NOT remake it tonight! Anyway.... He gets home tomorrow (if they don't change their plans) and I can't wait to see him!!!!! It feels like it's been a week and it's only been a day..... almost two days! It sucks....... one more day..... if I've lasted two already I can last one more!!!!

New Apartment...

I said I was going to do this a long time ago, but I kept forgetting! I can't do the two bedrooms right now because they're messy... But here's the living room, dining room, and kitchen! We love it here! We don't like the expense but it's worth it! We love being on our own, and wouldn't change it for anything! We love it!

Ugh....

"Don't even know what we're fighting for.........Why does love always feel like a battlefield?" That's my theme quote for the past.... God knows how long!! I've turned into a totally different person then what everyone has always seen me as! Even my own family doesn't even know me anymore! I'm sick of hiding behind a person that I'm just not anymore! I don't know what happened, and I don't know when it happened, and I don't know why it happened but I can feel that I've changed and it wasn't intentional! Stress has just taken over, and I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like smiling, I don't feel like going to work... I don't feel like cuddling, I don't feel like typing right now, I don't feel like even going on a drive (which is what I normally do when I feel like this) I just don't feel like doing anything! I hardly talk to my family anymore, I don't talk to my friends at all, I can hardly talk to Brenden anymore without fighting with him! And I have no idea why? I don't know what to do to fix it? I acted like this when I was unemployed and looking for a job but I figured that getting a job would help me out and get my mind off of everything that has been going on but it didn't! It didn't change a thing! I don't want this to keep happening to me though! I'm not whining about it, I'm just scared of the person that I'm becoming! I've never been bitch, I've never said the things that I've said to my family.... I've never wanted to not want to cuddle with the person that I love so much and so dearly! I don't know what's going on! No I'm not depressed, I just don't know what I am right now! I'm not gonna go kill myself, or take off and disappear, I just want to know, or want someone help me to become the person that I once was! My family hates me, my friends hate me, Brenden.... I don't know what he feels towards me right now, but the majority of the time that I'm with him I'm arguing with him and fighting with him. And it's always over the stupidest things! That don't even make sense! I thought that living on our own and having our own place was going to be better for him and I and make us stronger, but I didn't realize it was going to be so expensive, and I didn't realize that the stress would make it so that even though we are on our own, I'm still not happy! Things just haven't worked out the way that I pictured them working out with him and I and I regret so many things that I have done and said, and I just want things to start working out for us! He thinks that I don't care that he has been working his ass off at work, and he thinks that I don't care anymore but I honestly do care! I just worry to much I guess about not making ends meet and not being able to afford the things that we have, and it causes us to argue over it! I never meant to hurt him and I never meant to treat him the way that I have, and I wish so much that things could just go back to the way they used to be with us! But lately I've been screwing everything up, and it always seems impossible to get back to that point. I know I can't turn back time and make everything go away, and I'm not trying to make it that way! I understand that every lesson taught is a lesson learned, and I'm learning! I'm just not learning the right way! I'm taking the hard way in everything that I do....... And it's not helping! It's not helping my mood, it's not helping my relationship with my family, it's not helping my relationship and my friendship with Brenden, it's not helping me accomplish the tasks that I need to fulfill! It's not helping anything! And I don't know how to fix it! I've tried telling Brenden and others how I feel and how my mood is right now and it's just so hard to explain that I just make everyone even more upset because I can't explain it the right way! I'm just some crazy person that can't figure out what mood she wants to be in that day! I don't know what to do anymore! I've tried..... Everything! Things just seem like they're never going to work out! One day is a good day and the next day is horrible and it's a never ending pattern that I go through! I understand that things don't always work out the way that you want them to, and I don't expect them to! But lately nothing has been working out! I look forward to the days that I can sleep in so that I can just lay in bed and not screw anyone's day up because of the things that I do or say! And I don't even mean to! I freaked out because we can't afford gas in our vehicles until payday and I freaked out on Brenden. It's not even his fault and I freaked out! I made it into a huge ordeal that didn't even need to be fought over, and look at where it got me! Him laying in bed by himself right now, and me writing this pointless and never ending blog! Something that others are going to read, and think the same of me because they all think I'm whining about the way my life is turning out! I look at others that I know and things are going perfectly for them! They're in their own house, or they just got a promotion at work, or a raise, or getting married, or having a baby... And everyone is moving on! And I'm at a point in my life where I don't know what the next day is going to bring, or the next hour or minute! I don't know..... I've tried to talking to people that I usually turn to but it just seems like no one will ever be able to understand! I'm sorry to everyone that I've ever hurt, especially Brenden and my family and I'm sorry that I can't make things go together in the blink of an eye! But everyone needs to understand that I'm trying my hardest too, and that I'm trying and everything in my power to make myself feel better so that others around me don't have to deal with me! I don't want to be around people because I feel like I drag everyone down with me! I know that I drag Brenden down with me, and I apologize for that! I try not to, and I try to cool myself off before I say something that I shouldn't! And sometimes I can stop myself, but other's it just doesn't work out that way! Who ever reads this just know that I'm not depressed and I'm not whining about what's going on! I'm just at a point in my life where I feel like everything is falling apart! I know everyone has those moments and it's going to happen to everyone! Well... My time is now and I'm trying to figure life out! Step by step, and lately it's been hard and I know that I can get through it, I just need those there for me, that I turn to! And right now, it feels like they don't want to be there for me because of the way that I have treated them! I'm sorry to everyone. Just understand that I love everyone of you, and that I'm trying my hardest to understand what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it! And most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing I just want everyone to know that I'm trying my hardest and it may not seem like enough but it's all that I've got right now so if you could just bear with me, I promise I will try harder and I promise that things will get better! I just need to figure life out first, and finish learning my lessons, before I can start mending other problems with the people that I have hurt! I don't know where to start, or how to do it, but eventually I will find out and I will try my hardest to fix all the damage that I have done! As for now, just know that I love you all and that I'm sorry!!!!

Fishing :)

Brenden and I have been trying to take one day out of the weekend to go out and just be me and him away from the city, away from home, just to be together! We really needed the time alone and so we decided to go fishing to Pine View Reservior up Ogden canyon. It was a lot of fun, I had gotten a bran new fishing pole and didn't get one bite on it! (Lucky.....) But Brenden got a couple bites, and caught one little Blue Gill. It wasn't even two inches long so we let it go, and we didn't get a bite for the rest of the day! We had a lot of fun though being alone with eachother. It gave us a chance to really remember how much we really did love eachother. I'm not saying that we don't love eachother, but it gave us a chance to really take the time to let eachother know that we love and care for eachother! It was a lot of fun!!!

Bowling.....

Me, Brenden, Des, Dad, Frank, Justin and Heather went cosmic bowling! Four hours of nonstop bowling, and being entertained by Frank and Dad. Only because of the fact that they had a tid bit too much to drink...... And forgot how to bowl! Infact, I'm pretty sure they forgot what bowling was! Anyway..... It was tons of fun.... Almost got in a fight with a midget that called me fat and walked away... But didn't let it effect the fun night we were having.

WARNING: BOWLING WITH FRANK AND TRAVIS MAY CAUSE YOU TO GET IN A FIGHT, DRINK TOO MUCH, FORGET HOW TO BOWL, NONSTOP LAUGHING, AND AN ENTERTAINFUL NIGHT! :)

Trying so hard......

Don't you hate it when you are giving everything you can in life, you think that it's good enough but nobody is treating you like it? You help people, you go to work, you do everything that everyoone asks you to do.....But still it doesn't seem like enough. I'm struggling right now as it is, trying to make Brenden happy, but I am expected to make everyone else happy at the same time. Which I know...Everyone has to deal with that.... Big deal! But I don't know what to do. And I don't have anyone to turn to but Brenden, and even he doesn't know what to say. Stress is a main factor in my life right now, and it seems to be taking over my life. I've never been so stressed out in my life, and things have never been so chaotic. I feel like I need to work 12 hour days at work just to make ends meet because we're not making it right now! And I know we have to learn how to do this sooner than later, so why not now? I just think we took on too much at one time, and now we're just trying to figure out what to do. Which is fine, because I enjoy spending this experience with Brenden, and I look forward to having more experiences like this with him because we have to learn somehow. But I just feel like I'm treating the people around me like shit, and I know that they don't deserve it and it's pushing them farther and farther apart from me. And I don't want that. Brenden and my family are the most important people in my life right now and all I can seem to do is push them away. And right now the mood that I'm in, it's really hard to say my sorries and forgive myself for what I have done! So I just need to figure out what to do and how to do it but before I can do that I need to figure out how to help myself. And I know that I can do it, I'm just sorry that in the process I'm hurting my loved ones and I just want them all to know that I do love them, and that I am sorry.

New Apartment

We moved into a new apartment! We absolutely love it! It's a two bedroom and we can have our Molly here. My dad is living with us for a while! It's so nice to be out on our own and to learn the experiences that we are learning. Managing our money is hard but it's been a fun experience so far. I got a new job at Kroger and it's a really good job. I work with my mom so I see her more often and the people are so friendly. They actually make you feel appreciated for the work that you do, and I'm not afraid to ask questions. Brenden is painting with Image Enterprise. He loves painting. Right now it's slow though with the economy and everything, and so he might have to do carpet work for a while but either way he loves what he does! We just passed our two year anniversary on June 2! I can't believe it's only been two years. It feels like I have known him forever! But at the same time I can't believe two years has passed already! Things are moving by so fast, and it feels like my life is just running five steps ahead of me! I'm always trying to get caught up with what's going on with family, in the world, friends.... I'm never up to date with anything! Well......Time to go to work........I will post pics of the apartment next time!

Unemployed...

K so seriously... the economy sucks right now! No one is hiring, and I'm unemployed, and it's so hard not having a job! First, because Brenden feels like all the weight is on his shoulders, and so it stresses him out! And I feel like it's my fault because I'm the one without a job! I'm trying to find a job, but no one is hiring. We're just lucky that we have somewhere to live and food to eat. It makes me think about all the people that lost not only their jobs but their vehicles, their houses.... Even family members because they thought the only way to solve all the problems was to take their own life! I have to admit, things could be worse for me and I'm glad that they're not, but it still makes me feel bad for the people that it is worse for! They can't do anything to help it, because there's no jobs available right now, so they can't get another job..... It's just sad! I just hope that things start working out for this world, because if they don't, it's just going to turn into a bigger mess! I can't stand sitting at home doing nothing, knowing that Brenden is working, getting money for us, and I'm sitting at home.... not earning anything. Yeah I cook, I clean... but it gets old! I'm bored.... I'm stressed.... I wanna go to work!!! I'm just going insane! I know things will get better though, it's just time consuming, and very very stressful!

Figured I'd Better Get Caught Up!!! :)

This is Brenden and I on New Years 2008. We had a huge party with the family and friends and it was a bunch of fun! It was fun to hang out with the whole family there, and hang out with friends and not have to worry about the everyday problems that everyone has been worrying about lately, with the way the economy is right now! It's great to have Brenden there, to spend my time with, and share everything with. He's always there for me, and always knows how to cheer anyone up! We have been through a lot in the past year, but nothing that we haven't been able to fix. We are finally starting to make things work out the way that we want them to, and yeah we've had problems along the way, but it's made things turn out even better. It's made us realize that even though sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to.... You still have eachother to turn to.... and they'll always be there! :)